7 Science Valentines That ACTUALLY Work

Valentines.

Nestled in the heart of the WORST month of the year, this perfunctory holiday excels at parting fools with their money. The only thing keeping this tradition alive is secret lobbying from industries that produce chocolate, jewelry and collector's editions of Notting Hill. All of these things are close to worthless

Valentines themselves are pretty cute, though.

St. Valentinus, while in prison for marrying Christians, fell unrealistically in love with his jailer's daughter and began sending her letters signed "Your Valentine". A tradition was born, one that would eventually resurrect in the hands of blushing, paste-covered schoolchildren.

Here are 7 cute science Valentines, just in time to print off and stuff into those hand-made Valentines reception envelopes made of red construction paper. You make those at work, right? I'm a student, I don't know.

My favourite is the Carbon Dating one. If I were to just hand that to someone on a piece of paper, I would definitely end up at home, alone, eating chocolate and trying to watch Notting Hill through the glare from my new diamond ring.

4 Apps That Turn YOU Into a Scientist

In case you hadn't noticed, the universe is huge.

There is just too much stuff going on. Scientific inquiry has shed light on particular areas, like gravity and bugs and how airplanes work, but there is still SO MUCH that we don't understand.

Think about the cure to cancer, or the exact number of times the Earth has been struck by meteorites, or the average age of every person alive; all of this information exists, but we don't have access to it. The answers lie behind a veil of ignorance.

Scientists poke holes in this veil, and they need your help.

Here are 4 apps that let citizens become scientists. I know your first instinct is to make raspberry mouth noises and get out your nerd-punching gloves, but try one of them out! You are contributing to making the world a little less unknown.

1. Kinsey Reporter 

WARNING: LOTS OF SEX IN THIS PARAGRAPH

The Kinsey Institute is an esteemed Indiana University research institute that aims "to advance sexual health and knowledge worldwide". Researchers need your help in gathering data on human sexual behaviour.

Users are encouraged to anonymously share reports of any sexual behaviour, such as:

• Public displays of affection
• Flirting
• REAL SEX
• Sexual health issues, etc.

They can be about you, or someone completely random that you observe. These reports are assigned an approximate location and tagged. Here is an example of the data that can be generated:

Just think- these kinds of answers are coming from YOU, not some focus group that Cosmopolitan's writing team made up. This is real people doing real sexy stuff! Buzzfeed has deduced that there are at LEAST 21 delightful reasons to have more sex, and the data you contribute can help direct research in improving sexual health education and reducing sexual abuse and violence.

Cost: FREE. Get it, and start doing healthy sex things with people or alone!

Platforms: iPhone, Android

2. Galaxy Zoo

Scientists regularly receive overwhelming amounts of data. For example, the Hubble telescope and other lenses have snapped MILLIONS of photos of galaxies, and they all need to be classified. Galaxy Zoo shows you a photo and asks you simple questions about its shape and appearance. Each new photo is a galaxy that hasn't been classified yet. In its first year, Galaxy Zoo received 50 million classifications from over 150,000 people. You can do one galaxy or a hundred- either way you're still a scientist.

Cost: FREE

Platforms: Check out Galaxy Zoo online, they've recently moved to browser-based hosting

3. Loss of the Night:

This astronomically cool app helps scientists measure light pollution. Users are directed to a star by arrows, similar to a compass. Then, they are asked to try and identify nearby stars and constellations. This is combined with weather data to get an idea of light-pollution levels in your particular area.

I couldn't get it on my iPhone, but stargazers and night owls with Androids should try it and tell me what you think! Maybe with enough light-pollution data, Ottawa will smarten up and order a long-range missile strike on the No. 5 Orange strip club, which endlessly pumps halogen and dubstep through my bedroom window.

Cost: Free

Platform: Android

4. NoiseTube

This app turns your phone into a mobile noise meter!

NoiseTube started as a joint project between Sony Paris and Free University Brussels to measure the citizens' daily exposure to noise. Users measure the noise level, localize it to an area, then tag its source (airplane, traffic, unruly shrieking children etc.).

Cost: Free

Platforms: iPhone, Android

I, Scientist 

I know your interest is piqued, people. Next time you're early for a meeting or waiting for your friend to pee or doing any of those things where we whip out our phones: measure some noise, analyze some light pollution, catalogue some sex! We are all scientists <3

Inbreeding And The Disgusted Expression on Your Face When You Read The Word 'Inbreeding'

WAIT. THERE. RIGHT THERE. 

Hold that face. 

That disgusted grimace has roots in ancient genetics. 

You just received a directive from your DNA. 

A roll of the dice

I'm going to tell you a story about bad genes, but I need to give you a crash course in genetics first. Genetics, like dice, are governed by basic probability.

You have two copies of every gene in every cell of your body: one from Mom, one from Dad. Genes come in different versions, called 'alleles'. It's a bit of a crapshoot- if Mom or Dad have a recessive allele for a gene that has two alleles, they have 50% chance of sticking you with it. If both of them give you the recessive allele, your cells have no choice but to start up their little engines and start pumping out proteins based off of the blueprints of that shitty version.

Unlike normal proteins, proteins based on recessive alleles will defy regular cell signals and perpetrate all kinds of rudeness. The parts of the body that use these proteins are negatively affected, sometimes in very serious ways. 

The thing is- your sisters and brothers are also likely to get a copy of the bad version of the gene, and any babies you have with them will have a higher likelihood of exposing an 'inbred' trait. For a glimpse of how this can turn out, check out my post on the ugliest dog in the world, Sam, who is horribly inbred.

Luckily, the infinite sandpaper of evolution has scrubbed away all parts of your brain that are attracted to your siblings. 

DNA directives

Excluding the various sad sacks on Maury and Jerry Springer, most animals have gotten better and better at figuring out who their relatives are so they can avoid them when it comes time to breed.

For example, humans have evolved the use of olfactory clues (smells) to identify potential mates, and this includes using smells to determine which mates might be your relatives. There is also strong sociological evidence that children who grow up in close proximity display sexual aversion to one another, even if they're not related.

So get over it. I know it's gross, but inbreeding avoidance (that "BLECH" face) is just an indication that your DNA is working. Our ancient genetic script is looking out for us, whether we know it or not.